Ike's Quest for proof
by t3h maniac
Summary: Ike has had enough with the Yaoi and the jokes, and now he's out to prove once and for all, that he is heterosexual but all is not as it seems. Rated M for mature content
1. prologue

-1**Ike's Quest For Proof**

**Yes I know I have too many chaptered fics going on but currently, I am long beyond the point of caring. But anyway, here's a new concept.**

**Summary: Ike has had it with all the Yaoi fics and gay jokes. He sets out to proof once and for all that he is a heterosexual to the rest of the cast.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, all the characters belong to Nintendo/Konami/Sega.**

**--**

_If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. I AM NOT GAY!_

_I do not like it rough from behind._

_I do not have naughty dreams of Pit, Marth, Snake or any other male._

_Just because I take care of my hair very well… and I borrow Princess Peach's conditioner, it works wonders, does not make me a fruit!_

_Not that I have anything against them, I'm just not one of them._

_And you know what? I'm going to prove it, to all of you. Whatever it takes, be it voyeur, sex or anything. I will prove once and for all that I am heterosexual._

_No more Yaoi, no more ridiculing by the other smashers (even though everybody knows that Roy was rocking Marth's world. Before he got dropped from the Brawl line up), and no more gossip behind my back!_

_I'll show you all, you'll see._


	2. Voyeur

**Okay, let me get this off my chest first. I do not hate Yaoi anymore. I used to, but I have calmed down, become more tolerant of it, I just wont read the M rated stuff. However, this is completely different as it is plain insanity.**

**Whoopee.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Nintendo except for Snake who belongs to Konami.**

**--**

_Ike you are a freaking genius! _The blue haired _and completely straight _swordsman told himself. If there was any way to prove that he was heterosexual, he reasoned that it was best to affirm his interest in women.

By sneaking into the female locker room at the arena with a camcorder in hand. It made perfect sense to him.

However there was a few holes in this plan, one being the very nature of the people he was about to spy on.

First and the most obvious threat was Samus. You don't generally as a rule mess with someone who spends approximately 75 percent of the time in a suit of high tech armour with a laser cannon/rocket launcher for an arm. The rest of the time she nearly always had her plasma whip which stings like hell. Especially when hit with the tip.

Ike remembered seeing Bowser be launched off the bridge of Elfin by that. And he weighs around a ton.

Next was Lyn. Although she was rarely at the brawler's mansion she had a fiery temper and good aim with her sword.

Zelda could conjure fire in a few seconds and Peach… well she had good swing with a golf club. One that knocked out several of Bowser's teeth.

So in summary all the women in there could pin him down, eviscerate him and torch his corpse down to ashes if caught. Stealth was the only option available.

And considering that his stealth expertise boiled down to hiding in his room when it was time for chores he is for all intents and purposes _screwed._

Slowly slinking in through the door to the locker room, he instantly pressed his back to the wall, looking to see if anyone was moving. When the coast seemed clear he sneaked further towards the shower-room, placing the video camera directly at the public showers and then tried hiding in one of the lockers. Which were all locked except for one.

Ike opened it to find none other than snake hiding inside it.

"Hey Ike go steal shampoo from else where would ya? I'm trying to get good look at the show." The mercenary said shutting the locker. Ike panicked for a while, desperately trying to pick the lock on one of the other lockers but failing miserably at it. Then he heard footsteps. A clicking of heels. 2 sets. _Oh shit._

"Snake. Snake! SNAAAKE!" He banged on the locker in desperation.

"What was that?"

"Shit!" Ike cursed, he abandoned the video camera and tried climbing up on one of the locker sets when Peach and Zelda entered.

The lockers having an almost comedic sense of timing desided at this very moment to fall open revealing a slightly nervous Snake.

"Err… hello ladies?"

--

_Okay so maybe that was a bad idea, who knows what they're doing to Snake right now. Poor guy. Time for plan B._

_--_

**8 reviewers and over 200 hits? Wow that's impressive for the first chapter after a few days. Lets hope this continues.**


	3. Reflection of Plan A

**Reflections of Plan A**

**Well this hasn't been updated in a while, has it? So what does Ike have planned this time? Or will he just mope around reflecting on how Snake cocked it up for him.**

**Disclaimer: Sonic belongs to Sega, Snake and co. belongs to Konami, most other people belong to Nintendo, plot belongs to me.**

**--**

His first idea to prove his hetero sexuality had not been the best laid plan. To be fair there were a lot of faults with it. One, it required prior knowledge of the locker room to plan the best route out from a carefully picked hiding spot (and despite Captain Falcon's jokes, he hadn't been there before).

_Where does he come from? calling me that. He's the one obsessed with working out all the time despite all he really does in his day job is drive a car. _Ike grumbled in his head, he wouldn't say it to his face without his sword with him, that punch _hurts_.

Second of the problems is it required timing, a regular routine of the girls, and since a match could last anywhere between one minute and an hour that was a problem. In the middle of setting up the camera, one of them could have walked in and kicked his ass.

It was fortunate that it was snake who got in trouble for that plan. _Whatever happened to him?_

--

"Snake? Are you okay?" Octacon asked the mercenary, his hair was grey, he looked a lot older now despite the fact that very few of the other members had aged significantly.

"Umm… genetic defect. Caused by the….cloning project which created me." He ad-libbed, not wanting to tell his slightly geeky best friend that he had been caught snooping in the women's changing room in the smash mansion. What had happened to him was mostly a blur but he remembered Zelda casting a spell on him to turn him into an old man, then the golf club connected with his head and it all started going dark…

"Works for me. Oh, Raiden called by the way, he's going to be in the next game."

"Aw crap, not that guy again."

"So is Meryl."

"Okay, so it balances out a _bit_. I don't have to spend time with him do I?" Snake asked, he really could not stand the silver haired… thing.

"Possibly."

"Damn it."

--

And the final problem was that just because he had the footage, didn't rule out the fact that he likes it rough from Soren. _WHICH I DON'T! it's a completely platonic relationship we have. Nothing sexual what-so-ever._

"_Then what about that time…"_

_Wait, who's speaking in my head? _Ike asked. He quickly turned around to see Mewtwo hovering nearby, with a smug expression on his face.

"_Well, it would have to be the only telepath in the mansion and I must say, your denial of the obvious makes for some entertainment." _His physic powers, as always, used instead of regular speech.

"Well if you are looking inside my head then you'll know that I'm straight!"

"_That's what you keep on telling yourself. Maybe someday, it will become true." _Ike screamed, causing Mewtwo to wince at the sudden increase in volume.

"Hey Mewtwo, is he really…" Ganondorf asked, watching the scene unfold.

"_Not sure, I don't delve into people's sexual preferences. It becomes too disturbing at some points. I learnt _that_ lesson some time ago." _Mewtwo shuddered at the memory, it was the last time he tried to use his telepathic powers in a match to try and see what his opponent would do before they did it. In the heat of competition the powers weren't always that accurate especially when he was using most of it for telekinetic purposes. He'd never be able to look at Zelda and Link in the same way ever again.

"Then why did you?" Ganondorf asked.

"_Because its fun to mess with the newcomers." _Mewtwo commented. _"Now where's Lucario? I have a bone to pick with him for taking my spot in the tournament."_

_--_

**No-one likes Raiden :p**


	4. Plan B: Distraction

-1**Plan B: Distraction**

**Plan B will begin shortly after this message.**

**Lucario (hypnotised be Mewtwo): I should not be in this game series. Mewtwo is far superior in every way. All hail Mewtwo, the king of all pokemon.**

**Me: Hypnosis huh?**

**Mewtwo: Yes, once equipped with an accessory to increase my accuracy it does become quite an effective means to get what I want.**

**Me: Like…**

**Mewtwo: (in a deep voice) _Get me some bacon._**

**Me: (Vacant expression) Yes master…**

**Mewtwo: He doesn't own anything, for the record you know.**

**--**

This was Ike's biggest mission yet, he had to sussed this time or face the dire consequences. Most of which resulting in death but to varying degrees of pain depending on which stage of the mission he got caught in.

Which begs the question of why he was back to stealth when his first attempt had gone disastrously wrong. Well for starters he had been struggling to find any other ideas. The girls in the Smash mansion seemed to be so…clique-ish, apart from Samus who was always seen to be a lone wolf. Not to be confused with that Wolf guy who is currently in intensive care having his stomach pumped.

Those spicy curry things are dangerous to those without a stomach made of iron.

Which would explain why they are from the Kirby series.

The point was they all seemed to go on a group so trying to chat one up alone would cause a shy person like Ike to faint from embarrassment. However, this time he had logically thought through his plan, all the rooms in the Smash mansion were basically the same. Twin bed, two wardrobes and en-suite. If you knew one, you knew them all, apart from some minor differences that come with individual.

But what really made this easy was that apart from when they go to sleep or change regular clothes they were always empty. All Ike had to do was to make sure that one of the occupants was completely distracted.

Operation: Panty Raid was go.

"Okay, guys remember the plan. If Samus finds out about this I am dead, you two really need to play your parts well." Ike told his two accomplices. Pikachu Raised his right paw and smiled while Pichu just blinked and the Blue haired swordsman. "pikachu, please don't tell me Pichu forgot the plan already…"

"Pika, pi, pikachu, pika?" Pikachu asked its younger form in its own language completely consisting of using its own name. For some reason all pokemon understood each other and nearly all languages, human or otherwise.

"Pi? Chu! Pichu Pi!" The little electric type nodded its head up and down very quickly to indicate it knew what it had to do.

"Good. Lets go."

--

"Pi?" Asked Pichu as the two pokemon peered round a corridor.

"Pika." Pikachu replied, motioning to Pichu that the coast was clear. The two rodents scurried along until they ran into Samus who was coming from the locker room, just after a gruelling battle with Link.

Pikachu did a small hand signal to his tiny companion as the two broke out there most adorable expression looking at Samus with wide eyes.

"…must resist…must resist." Samus muttered to herself. Seeing as though this technique wasn't working, changed strategy. The two started to dance to Caramelldansen as they switched on the little music player Ike had given them just for this purpose.

Eventually Samus broke down, giving off a severely out of character reaction, picking the two rodents off the floor and started to give them a nice big cuddle. "Who's the cutest little guys, yes you are, yes you are!" she cooed, glad to for once not be in her power suit.

"Err…" said Fox nervously having just walked in on one of Samus' rare displays of affection. Samus quickly (but gently) put the two pokemon down and turned her meanest death glare on Fox.

"If you _ever_ talk about what you saw here, I swear I will shave off all your fur and place scars on every square inch of your body."

"Yes…yes ma'am."

--

_So far so good _Ike thought to himself as he picked the lock on the door. It didn't prove to be that difficult, but then again under most circumstances no-one would be insane enough to break in to Samus and Snake's (who was still indisposed at that point) room. But they didn't know that the two occupants were not going to be in here for a good while.

Making his way over to a chest of draws on one side of the room he found that he had already hit the jackpot already.

_Let's see them try to deny my true sexual orientation with _this_ trophy! _He thought for a while until he heard footsteps. Two heavy boots coming towards the room, whoever it was seemed to be having trouble with the lock. _Shit! _Ike screamed mentally, dropping the panties and diving out of the window.

"The Falcon is going on in here?" Said Captain Falcon after successfully breaking into the room. Slowly making his way across from the door he picked up the abandoned pair of panties left by Ike's escape. "Hey. FALCON yoink!" Said Falcon smiling to himself, pocketing the silk underwear.

--

**Poor Ike, nothing seems to be going his way in this fic, poor Wolf. Well she does have a image to keep up in the place. Don't forget to FALCON review.**

**Damn it Captain, now you've got me FALCON doing it.**


	5. One Swordsman, One Princess

**One Swordsman, One Princess, Six Martinis And A Hangover**

**So Plan A failed and Plan B was interrupted by a guy in a motorcycle helmet and Blue spandex. Plan C go!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, at least I wouldn't sell out and make nothing but shitty "casual" games…**

**--**

_Fuck it, why is nothing going right for me? I mean I had everything planned out, I even checked which one was Samus' underwear drawer so I didn't pick up any of Snake's by mistake. I had Pikachu and Pichu as the perfect distraction. It should have worked god damn it!_

"Beep?" Game and Watched asked from behind the bar, he for some reason had got roped in as the mansion's bartender. And he was surprisingly good at it.

"Yeah, fill her up barkeep." Ike motioned, pushing his empty pint glass across.

"Beep."

"Look, when I've had enough. I'll be passed out on the floor in what will most likely be my own puke. So keep with the drinks!" Ike shouted.

"Beep…"

"I dunno man. Its like someone was trying to get so many ideas out of a fucking concept, its as though they were writing a fan fiction."

"Beep."

"guess You're right G&W," Ike said laughing slightly "that is crazy." He took another swig and slumped back down onto the barstool before a slightly angry looking princess Zelda, in her trademark full length dress sat next to him.

"Ugh, I can't believe the nerve of that girl, to flake on me like that."

"Beep?"

"Vodka Martini please Game. I'm in a bit of a bad mood tonight."

"Beep beep."

"Thank you, at least someone is reliable in this mansion." She said, not bothering to hide the irritation in her voice

"Zelda? What's going on?"

"Nothing, not now anyways. Why did she have to go and flake on them? She was the one who organized it. And I'm _not_ going alone."

"Beep. Beep beep, beep Beep Eep." Game and Watch explained, it was long and complicated which explains why there was more than on beep, but the gist of what Marth understood was that Zelda and Peach had planned another girls night out and Peach hadn't shown up.

"Oh…right. Bummer."

"So what's a nice man like you doing here, Ike?"

"You sure Link would approve of you calling me that." Ike said, a smile creeping across his face.

"He hasn't got the triforce of knowledge, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, its not going to go anywhere."

5 more rounds of drinks later…

"So I said to her, 'maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't keep slamming it into peoples faces!' The reaction was priceless."

"Really? Take a picture of it?"

"No, should have though. Now Samus was different altogether, do you know how much of a hissy fit she had when she found out she'd have to compete in her Zero suit?"

"Know about it? I was there. Almost got my head shot off in the cross-fire."

"Considering that she always did that little strip number at the end of her major missions, I'd say she was making a big fuss over nothing."

"Fair enough." Ike conceded, motioning to G&W to pass over another Cider and another Martini.

"Beep." The 2-dimensional man refused.

"Fine, fine. I'll head back to my room. Some ones being a bit bossy today. Come on Ike, you can be my guardian for the night." Zelda grabbed ahold of Ike's hand and pulled him out of the bar, leaving G&W to clean the bar counter, or at least move between two frames of animation roughly to indicate that it was being cleaned.

--

If someone asked anyone who lived in smash mansion to describe their room in one word it would be a hard thing to do, except for Princess Peach and Princess Zelda. There was a very obvious word to describe their living accommodations.

Pink.

Not even tasteful pink, it was just pink. Pink enough to deplete the levels of tesosterone of Snake and Captain Falcon if they thought about it too much while sober.

It was _that_ pink.

Zelda was still giggling slightly as well as using Ike as a leaning post.

"Hey, you're bed's over there. Don't go to sleep on me!" Ike complained.

"Hmm… why choose, when I could have both."

"Huh?" His question was answered when Zelda pulled him in close, her eyes heavy from all the alcohol…

--

Ike woke up with the biggest hangover he'd ever suffered, he should have probably listened to Game and Watch about cutting off earlier in the night. As far as liquor was concerned, he was pretty much a light-weight. The pink wasn't helping anything either.

Pink?

Ike's room wasn't pink.

No matter what Ganondorf said and for his information, it was Saphire blue.

But that would mean…

"ZZZZ" Zelda snored loudly, it sounded like a pneumatic drill through the headache caused by too much strong continental beer. It took a check under the tangled covers for Ike to realise just what had happened, they were both nude.

_Well the good news is, at least I can say I'm definatley not gay. The bad news is, I may be dead by the end of the week if Link finds out._

--

**And you all thought he was** **going to get off so easy. Not in my fic matey! **


	6. Wrath Of The Hero In A Skirt

**The Wrath Of The Hero In A Skirt**

**Well haven't I set Ike up for a rather large fall this time. How's he going to deal with this? And will it be the end of my fic?**

**MWA-HA-HA-HA!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

**--**

_I'm dead. If I can't get out of here while she's still asleep, I am DEAD. She can't have remembered about last night can she? Zelda was drunk off her ass, I was too but at least I remember _why_ I can't remember having freaky sex with the princess._

_Sorry, one of the princesses._

_Hopefully she won't freak out too much if she wakes up._

Ike was left to figure out how to get out of the tangled sheets, find all his clothes (or an excuse to walk around the corridors nude) and leave without waking Zelda. Who subconsciously had other ideas.

Still asleep she wrapped her arms around the swordsman's strong upper-body pulling herself in closer. "My man-candy." She murmured, moving one of her hands up across his spine sending tingles throughout Ike's body before stopping when she got to the hair. It felt different to Link's messy blonde hair that was mostly concealed by a cap. It felt a lot more silky smooth… taking an experimental sniff of the hair, it was familiar yet out of place with the body "Peach?" She asked opening her eyes slowly.

_Damn conditioner!_

It took a while to register that the man she was currently snuggling up against was neither Link nor Peach who had gone through a sex change for some obscure reason, but when Zelda did come to enough to make the realisation… "EEEEK!" This scream caused them both to recoil from the hangover's dislike for loud noises.

"Zelda? Are you okay?" Came a high pitched voice from outside, it sounded like someone was fumbling with a set of keys.

"Peach!" Ike's voice jumped a few octaves, it was going from bad to worse.

"Ike? Hat are you doing h-" Peach began as she opened the door "EEK!" She screamed as Ike had to dive to find something to conceal his genitals.

"Close the door now Peach!" Zelda shouted to be heard over the screams. "Okay… calm down everyone." She said once the door was shut, she didn't have the energy for more screams.

"Zelda? What is going on here?"

"I think me and Ike had sex."

"You WHAT?"

"Keep it down. We cannot have Link find out about this."

"He can't have heard that, his rooms at the other side of the mansion."

--

When the first waking up "EEK!" was screamed by Zelda, a sixth sense in Link told him that his princess might be in danger, diving out the window he jumped on to his trusty steed Espona and rode across the lands… back to the front gate of the mansion. _Damn force of habit of having to cross all of Hyrule to save her._

--

"I'll set up a decoy, you two try and find some clothes."

It wasn't as easy said as done for Ike. He barely found what appeared to be the tattered remains of his underwear by the bed, _damn she must have been really wild if this is what happened to them _Ike mused, struggled to find any of his armour and walking all the way to his room in torn boxers was only a small step up from nude.

Zelda on the other hand had managed to put on one of her trademark royal gowns with the triforce symbol on the front in a matter of seconds.

"Can someone help me out here? I've only found... Who's at the door?" He asked when there was a few panicked knocks.

"Hide!" Zelda whispered, as Link slowly opened the door to find… one of the toads standing there.

"I'm sorry -insert hero here- but your/our princess is in another castle." The Toadstool person announced. Link seethed his sword and begrudgingly made the trek all the way to the front gate to take back his horse.

"Seriously, how many of those things do you have?" Zelda asked.

"Only a few, and there useful while I'm trying to keep Mario busy and not interfering with mine and Bowser's plans for the kingdoms."

"Wait, whenever he kidnaps you, its just a cover for negotiations and battle plans?" Zelda asked, stunned slightly.

"What did you think I was doing there?" Peach asked, seemingly offended.

"We all came to the conclusion that he was forcing you to be his kinky slave or something." Ike told the Mushroom Kingdom's princess steeping out from the bathroom with towels used to cover himself.

"Why that's just silly, he doesn't have to force me to do anything."

"…"

"…"

"Oops, that didn't come out right, did it?" Peach nervously giggled.

--

"Wait a minute… why would that Toad say 'another castle?' we weren't in one to begin with so how could there be another. That implies that there is more than one castle and yet there are none. It's a trick!" Link realised as he turned his ride around and dashed back for Smash mansion.

--

"So… sorry about taking advantage of you being drunk last night Zelda."

"I guess its okay, we were both drunk. I was probably the one who took advantage of you, you always act the perfect gentleman around here."

"Yeah… sure… let's go with that." Ike said remembering the panty raid and the video camera.

"YAAAAAAAHHH!" Came the battle cry from outside the room, Zelda instantly reccognised it.

"Link!"

The door burst open to the princess of Hyrule and the blue-haired mercenary (who was still only wearing towels) leaving Link very angry.

"Hey Link. I can explain this whole thing." Ike stuttered, backing away from the door.

The Hero of Time lunged at Ike with the master sword, only to be trapped in a large prism.

"Now Link, I'm not going to let you out of there until you calm down but hear me out. We both got drunk, I think one thing led to another but I didn't mean it!"

Link wasn't listening, he changed into his wolf-form and started to ram against the side of the magical cage.

"Look! I'll make it up to you! I promise!" Zelda pleaded, her magic struggling to contain wolf-Link. "I'll even do that thing I said I would only do once again if you'll just calm down!" This seemed to get a reaction.

"Woof?" Barked the canine hero.

"Yes. I promise."

"Woof." Wolf-Link said turning back into his human form.

"What did you promise him?" Ike asked, while leaving the room, happy to still be in one piece.

"To take him 'walkies'."

--

**Alls well that ends well. Or does it? Dun-dun-dun!**

**Reviews give me the motivation to continue a train of thought.**


	7. Victory Dance

**Victory Dance**

**Ah well, Ike's been snooping, gone on a panty raid and slept with Zelda. Now has proof that he's not gay all that's left to do is rub it in.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners and the idea of a "Smash mansion" is used in damn near every fic in this fandom.**

**--**

_Well that could have gone a lot worse. A real lot worse, good thing Zelda and Link are so damn freaky that they could probably work this out of the system. I wonder what she meant by 'walkies'. I mean the way she said it, it was like a completely alien concept and if she said she'd only do it once as a reward or something…_

_Whoa, not going down this path, that way madness lies._

_But anyway, now that its done and Link's cool with me now, he won't mind me using it as proof that I'm not homosexual right?_

_Sorry Soren, I just don't swing that way. I appreciate all you've done for me, but no. _Ike concluded his inner monologue as he approached a familiar figure, well if he was going to prove that he was straight, he might as well start with the person who could not truthfully dismiss his claims. Mewtwo, the original uber legendary.

"_What do you want, can't you sense I'm waiting for someone?" _Mewtwo asked, clearly impatient.

"Just Came to tell you something." Ike said with a smirk on his face.

"_What about?" _Mewtwo asked in a slightly deflated tone as he constantly checked the northern corridor while holding a piece of rope.

"You were wrong, I'm not gay."

"_Oh really? The shampoo and conditioner tells me otherwise." _Mewtwo retorted, Ike's hands went instinctively to his hair.

"Read my mind then Mewtwo. You'll know that I'm telling the truth when I say: I had sex with Zelda." Ike said, full of confidence for once since he arrived. _Let's see them call me gay now_.

"_Could you remember in explicit detail about the events that occurred in Zelda and Peach's room of mind-numbing estrogen inducing radiation?" _The pokemon asked, if Ike was determined to disturb him today, he might as well try to knock him off his pedestal.

"No…"

"_Ah, then it may not be sure that you engaged in mating activities with _her_." _Mewtwo said, putting an emphasis on the last word.

"Well we both ended up naked and in tangled sheets, its probably a good guess that we did it."

"_You miss-understand me. I assume you're aware of the persona known as Shiek?"_

"Zelda's alter ego? It's just her in disguise with her breasts taped down. What's that got to do with anything?"

"_While to the others it may seem merely as a means of disguise, her magic however ensures a complete swap to avoid detection, they are physically dis-similar. Especially in one aspect. While your last memories of Zelda may have been a she, the princess may have turned prior to the actual event into a _he_. Her persona swapping in mating activities may have stemmed from the fact that Link was not as co-operative as she would have liked leading her to feel a bit... Well you should get the idea." _Mewtwo explained, taking a perverse pleasure in the way Ike's expression of confusion turned into one of sheer horror. It took a while but once he got it…

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Ike Shouted, before running back to his room to take several cold showers.

"_Hehe, so much fun to mess with the newcomers, speaking of whom." _Mewtwo readied the trap as he heard a far off rumbling down the corridor, using his psychic abilities to levitate a long piece of rope to about one foot off the ground. His patience was rewarded when Sonic came hurtling down the corridor approaching the speed of sound only to trip over the rope and sent hurtling into a wall, about 200 yards away.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Sonic screamed before he made that agonizing crunch into the wall.

"_That's for taunt spamming 'You're too slow' you douche!" _Mewtwo shouted mentally at the now injured hedgehog as Dr Mario had to carry him to accident and emergency.

_--_

**I is really evil to Ike. But I'd hardly let such a promising fic die so early. For the record I know in the Smash world Shiek is female but not in the official LoZ world. So the search for the truth goes on I suppose.**


	8. Trying Too Hard

-1**Trying Too Hard**

**Wait now that Ike's gone and had sex and it still doesn't prove he's not gay. How much further can I push this? Let's find out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.**

**--**

"Hey, since when did Zelda get the new doggie?" Popo asked his sister/girlfriend/partner. In actual fact no-one was ever very clear on that matter. Best not to ask them.

"I don't know, its really big though." Nana answered, staring at the wolf in the mansion grounds.

_Well at least it wasn't something perverted _Ike thought, as the Ice Climbers watched Zelda take Link, who was currently in his wolf form, for walkies.

All side tracking aside he was still faced with a problem. How to prove he was straight, drunken shenanigans apparently didn't count because according to Mewtwo could switch genders and then screw him in the ass. Now Shiek didn't look feminine and it was magic so there was a chance that the bastard was right…as always.

Damn psychic.

Now how was he to go about it? Well first he needed to be completely sober at all times. If he woke up after a night next to a girl it wouldn't count, next to a guy he'd never hear the end of it.

But who in the smash mansion to try and score with. Samus was out of the question completely. She may have had a soft spot for the Pikachu evolution family but according to Fox she does not like to show her sensitive side to anyone and it took a display of mind-numbing cuteness to break that. For about 20 minutes.

Peach already had Mario and possibly Bowser. Still not clear on that.

And that left Lyn who only really showed up occasionally as per her Assist Trophy contract.

Nana was to young, Pikachu was a guy and that left Jigglypuff, who could be a guy. Although with the way Jigglypuffs look its often assumed that they are all female like Nidorinas but there were actually…

_Whoa! Were discussing the sexuality of a freaking pokemon here! I should not be on this train of thought! But what am I going to do? Risk castration from Samus? Risk getting my ass kicked by the Mario's and Bowser? I wish I was back home sometimes. At least there I had Elincia by my side. Who would in due time if I took the chance be willing…that's it!_

_--_

"I'm sorry but I can't just re-open the inter-dimensional portals for a booty call." Master Hand refused, drumming his fingers across his giant desk with the sign "Grovel here"

"Why not?" Asked Ike.

"The Fire Emblem portal, as it is so dubbed, is a tricky one, in order to get the required representation we need to have the portals transcend time as well as space. Marth rejoined us after you arrived so its currently calibrated for his time not yours. Same with the Earthbound portal." Master hand tried to explain to the disgruntled mercenary with the least possible amount of fourth-wall breaking.

"Crap, what am I going to do now?"

"I think Crazy has a blow-up doll somewhere if that helps."

"No thanks." Ike said, storming out of the office.

"How do you know what I keep?" Crazy hand asked from inside a steel-plated locked door

"Because you're an insane twit. That's why."

--

"Now what?" He asked himself, anyone from his homeland was now off bounds. Damn time-space continuum and universe.

"Are you okay Ike?" Came a soothing voice.

"Hey Peach."

"What's wrong, you've been on a downer since I last saw you."

"its…" "I'm trying to prove I'm not gay. No-one believes me when I say I'm straight."

"If its any consolation, I believe you."

"Thank you princess, any chance of you convincing Falcon, Ganon or Mewtwo."

"Maybe you shouldn't let those bullies get to you. After all, Falcon wears spandex with the nipple areas painted gold. Not to mention the two "Kings of Evil" seem to spend a little too much time with each other. Just be calm. When they see it doesn't bother you they'll stop."

"Thanks a lot Peach."

_She's right, guess she's not as ditzy as people make her out to be. She's sweet and caring. I can see why Bowser and/or Mario love her. Who wouldn't._

Ike spent the rest of the day feeling a lot better about himself, he didn't even meet Mewtwo or Ganondorf on the way to his room which he shared with Wolf. Although for some reason someone had left the door slightly open.

"Wolf? You in there?" He asked to no reply. Even though the locks were pretty much a joke no-one left the door open. Too many villains and… people who just randomly take stuff after holding it up in a celebration with some accompany victory jingle, Link.

"What the?" Were his last words before being hit with a blunt metal object and blacking out.

--

**Oh noes! I have inserted a dramatic plot into a humorous story! I may have jumped the shark a bit here. Tell me by how much.**


	9. Back to Bite

**Back To Bite**

**Can't talk much now, I'm currently flying over a pool of Fonzies and have been transformed into some sort of shark creature. Possibly an estate agent.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Nintendo does. Apart from Sonic and Snake**

**--**

Ike came too in a place he hadn't seen before in the Smash Mansion. There was the feel of cold metal pressed up against his back, most of the metal walls had been painted over but not this one, just the unforgiving grey. Or at least that's all he could make out, there was very little in the way of lighting. There was still a dull ache from whatever hit him around the head.

"So he's awake, I was starting to think you may have hit him too hard with the golf club." Came a voice in the darkness.

"Perhaps I should have been more gentle with him." Came another, this one was slightly higher pitched.

"Wha…"

"No point in that Princess. With what's about to happen to him now, it wouldn't make that much difference."

"Princess…golf club…Peach?" Ike realised. What had he done to Peach that validated getting kidnapped? If it was about the conditioner then this probably would have happened a long time ago.

"Who said you could talk?" The one who was not currently worked out as Peach snapped, slapping him across the face.

"For someone who claims to be as shy as you are, you have a lot of nerve Ike and it seems a lot of luck."

"First you place that video camera in the changing room, pointed directly at the showers, then you have the audacity to break into my room and steal _my _underwear!"

"Samus?"

"I said no talking!" Another harsh slap, there was some rustling in the darkness, as though they were pulling out some special equipment. _Uh oh._

"Well since he's figured out who we are, there's no point in keeping the light off here." Peach admitted, a flick of the switch and Ike was temporarily blinded, his eyes having to re-adjust. When they had his jaw could have hit the floor.

Samus was staring directly at him, her blue zero suit had been replaced by something black. It was as though someone had taken a pair of scissors to the original body suit so that it now barely covered her. Samus' toned body glistened with sweat, possibly from a work out prior to Ike's kidnapping, the material stretched to conceal her nipples. There was a hint of playfulness in her eyes but it was buried under several layers of intent to harm. The smile wasn't helping Ike either.

"You've been a real bad boy Ike. Do you know what happens to boys when they've been bad? You can speak."

"They get…punished?" Ike guessed, unable to break the eye contact the mercenary had got him into.

"Bingo, and since you're into voyeur stuff it seems the Princess is going to watch you be beaten by me."

"Found it!" Peach shouted, she was still in the same style of dress that she wore most of the time but with a few twists on it. For one the dress was now a deep shade of purple instead of the trademark pink and the pearls and sapphire spheres that adorned it, now replaced by Sharp rubies, one taking its place on the centre of her chest cut into a diamond shape. She handed something over to Samus who had her hands behind her back, obscuring the object from Ike's view.

"Thank you Peach. Let justice be served."

**--**

It had been a while since he'd last been in the Smash mansion. He felt that it was very hypocritical of Master Hand first declaring that there will not be two people sharing similar styles and then allowing that Wolf creature to join in. Even pichu and Dr. Mario stayed at the mansion after the melee tournament. But not him, he was booted back to his own world. Discarded because Marth was supposedly the better of the two.

He knew it was a lie, when it came down to pure strength, he would be the victor, too bad those bo-ombs kept interfering. The flames that danced around his blade assured him that. Not that he had anything against the lord. On the contrary, his whole plan was so he could see him again.

It was fortunate that another person who's sword was imbued with the element had joined the Brawl tourney. It made taking his place so much easier once he was out of the way with a little tip to Samus and the princesses. Tell the others he had a diet, a new hairstyle (still dyed blue) and went by the weapons store to min/max his equipment. Hardly anyone would know what the last bit meant so that wouldn't give him away.

"Hey Ike! You look different today…" King DeDeDe greeted as the large, regal bird walked by. Stopping to analyse the new 'Ike'.

"Um…new conditioner." Roy ad-libbed.

"Thought I smelt lavender instead of peaches…" The Dreamland resident pondered walking off down the halls of Brawl mansion

"Curses! Forgot to steal the princess' conditioner." Roy mumbled, out of the penguin's earshot. He ran down the halls to find the arena locker rooms, he had to find Peach's locker before other people realised. As he was running down the hall he seemed to stumble a bit. He went base over apex and ended up on hiss ass in the corridor. "What the hell? That didn't happen last tournament."

--

**Tripping, no-one likes the tripping. Except when I'm making a joke of it. Welcome to the Brawl Roy. Guess where I got Peach's outfit from to get a point cookie.**


	10. Proof at Last, sort of

**Proof At Last…Sort Of.**

**We're in the home stretch of this fic. There's only going to be one more chapter after this one but it will have a nice surprise for fans of this fic. Or nasty depending on how it plays out. I've been adlibbing from the 3rd chapter so why stop now?**

**WARNING: The following chapter contains smut, but it's not totally devoted to the smut. It would just be about half the length it is now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not hold any claims to ownership and their use here is covered by the fair use act.**

**--**

"I think that's quite enough Samus."

"Enough? I've barely warmed up." The bounty hunter complained, in the time they had been down here she had left a large trail of destruction across the mercenary's body. The skin was criss-crossed with scars from the whip interspersed with burn marks from the candles. She really went all out on these things, Ike doubted that he was the first person to undergo this treatment from her. Captain Falcon occasionally bore scars underneath his spandex jumpsuit but any inquiry would most likely be met with the trademark immature joke about his sexuality.

"He's learnt his lesson, I hope," The currently gothic princess turned to the beaten mercenary "Now Ike, are you listening?"

"Mmph" He said through the gag.

"Good," Peach took out a small item from her back pocket, Ike recognized it as a heart container. They originated from Link's world but here were used to regenerate nearly all of a person's health. As she applied it the cuts and whelps faded returning his body to normal. "You've suffered enough here but I warn you, if one of us ever finds you doing this sort of activity again I wont be healing you after your punishment's over. I will be the one holding the whip." She threatened before untying the gag so Ike could give a response.

"Yes Princess. I understand." Ike nodded feverously, hoping not to cause either one of them to start torturing him again.

"Perfect, I should probably head to the main room now. We've been here too long so Mario probably thinks Bowser kidnapped me again and that never ends well." She giggled before exiting, taking some of Samus' recently used equipment with her.

"See you later Peach." She waved goodbye

"Hey, Samus? Could you please let me down now?" Ike asked, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

"No. I don't think I will."

"What? But Peach said I've paid for what I did!"

"So let's just say you have served your punishment, I should let you go free. The problem is Ike," she bent in close, pressing her body against his restrained form, whispering in his ear "I don't want to." His eyes shot wide, having a sense for his captor's intentions. "I've had my eye on you for quite some time Ike, all the decent men here have already been taken and there's only so far someone can go alone."

"Why… why me?" He asked, stunned slightly.

"Marth's not interested in women, he made that clear last time around. Falcon is an annoying bastard, and as for Snake? Well let's just say I don't think a good codename for him is 'Solid'." She let out a small laugh sending a shiver up Ike's spine.

"Besides, from what I've heard the only reason you dared to do these things was because they were teasing you about something you're not. Now, you can really prove them otherwise." Samus smirked, running smooth hands across his muscular upper body, fingers idly drawing small circles around his nipples. "So what do you say Ike?"

"Yes please Samus."

"That's Mistress Samus to you my dear mercenary." She said. Her lips soon pressed against his, her latex costume creating a friction that wore away any part of Ike's mind that would not enjoy this as it rubbed against him. Her hips started grinding against his as the sharp intake of breath from Ike caused yet another confident smile to grace her lips as she broke the kiss. She stepped back, hooking her fingers around the buckles of her outfit. In a moment that seemed like an eternity for Ike, strapped to the wall, mesmerized, Samus began to strip for him. It was both agonizing to watch yet he couldn't tear his eyes away if he wanted to. She knew exactly how to reduce a man's self-control to a puddle on the floor. The black latex broke off into several parts, each strip removed exposing more and more of her tantalizing flesh.

She turned around and bent over exposing her small rear to him, it really said something for the strength of the restraints as they refused to give even an inch, no matter how hard Ike pulled at them, an effort only doubled as she removed the only part of her outfit that was left, her panties, slowly down her legs.

"Please Mistress Samus! Please!" Ike begged, desperate to feel the release he needed from the pressure she had worked up. And this was when she wasn't touching him at all.

The bounty hunter complied to his request, pulling down his underwear revealing his large erection, waiting for some attention. She slung her right leg around his waist, positing herself a mere inch away from the head of his member. She took pleasure in the look of sweet torture across his face, willing her to begin. With a thrust of her hips she penetrated herself on his cock. It was heavenly for her, it had been so long since she'd been with another person, although her personal toys were good they would never compare to the genuine article, the one that thrusting in and out of her with a quick tempo, stretching her slightly.

The sensation completely overtook Ike, the punishment fading away faster than his scars had. The moans Samus emitted was the only proof to him that his other senses were still working. He tried closing his eyes trying to squeeze out the sensation to stop him climaxing too early but it only intensified the pleasure. Then something happened between them, he felt her inner walls squeeze together as the bounty hunter screamed and his whole world went white as he came, almost pulling the restraints out of the wall.

--

"Marth! I've finally found you after all these years!" Roy cheered rushing up to meet his partner for the first time since he got kicked out of the mansion.

"Ike? But we only met a few months ago." Marth said, although there was something off about 'Ike' he was a fair amount smaller and his hair was different too. It was longer and there seemed to be a hint of bright red trying to show from under blue dye.

"It's me, Roy. I managed to get back to the mansion." He said, a smile plastered on his face.

"Brilliant! So when will you be competing again?" Marth asked, he always enjoyed the team events. Especially with Roy by his side, together they were almost unbeatable, except for Fox's and Falco's reflectors being immensely cheap compared to their counter move.

"About that… I kind of arrived here without permission, I'm not officially registered."

"So you braved unknown horrors of to re-open the portal to your world just to see me?"

"Yes. And I'd do it again." The prince was lost for words at his very close friend's bravery so instead of continuing the conversation, they simply embraced each other.

"God you two are so gay. No wonder there's so many damn fan fictions about you two getting' it on." Captain Falcon said, passing the re-united lovers.

"So?" Retorted Roy, still disguised as Ike.

"…" The F-Zero pilot was loss for words, he usually got a pathetic 'am not' from Ike, it just wasn't the same if they didn't rise to the challenge.

--

**All's well that ends well. Or does it? Stay tuned for the thrilling half-baked excuse for a conclusion sometime next week!**


	11. Explanation and conclusion

**Explanation**

**Here it is the last chapter. Now I hope you've been keeping track of certain things throughout the story that may have otherwise gone un-noticed. To prove that I'm not just pulling the ending out of my ass here and have actually thought it through to some extent.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to thier respective owners. Plot belongs to me.**

**--**

When Ike and Samus stepped out of the room, there was a sense of electricity in the atmosphere. A distinct sound of gossip leading from the main hall.

"Guess they found out about that little romp."

"With the way you were screaming? I'm not surprised." Ike said. He was feeling a lot more relaxed now, the several rounds of sex did wonders for his nerves it seemed.

"Oh now look who's got a cocky demeanour just because he got laid."

"Hey, I'm just imagining the look on Ganon's face when I tell him. I am aloud to gloat about scoring with you right?" Ike checked.

"Just as long as you remember who was in control." Samus reminded him.

"Yes mistress." He quipped with a smile on his face. This earned a small giggle from the normally cold bounty hunter.

"Samus?" Asked Toon Link as he came round the corner, looking up to her with those huge, cell-shaded eyes.

"Yes mini-Link?"

"What does coming out of the closet mean?"

"Go ask your alternate universe self." She told him. Samus was not the person to talk to about

"He won't tell me, he's too busy trying to not laugh for some reason, mama Zelda seems angry."

"Who's coming out of the closet?" Ike asked. _Please let it be Falcon, please for the love of all things sacred let it be Captain Falcon._

"The blue man said the blue haired mercenary came out, what was he doing in there in the first place? Did the door close on him?" Ike's eyes went wide, his hair went a somewhat lighter shade of blue as he ran off towards the main area.

"I-I'll tell you when your older." Samus told the hero of the winds before running after her new lover.

--

"Well at least they're happy." Link commented, watching Roy and Marth embrace tightly, however Roy had yet to remove his disguise.

"Still can't believe I ended up sleeping with a gay guy." Princess Zelda shook her head. Still, it could have been much worse. She could have lost her virginity to him and that scenario had very little in the way of happy endings.

"Look on the bright side princess; you are so attractive that you can temporarily make men straight."

"Aww."

"Now if you could turn women lesbian I've hit the jackpot." Link whispered under his breath, only Zelda was sharing his bed at the moment, putting off anyone else. The Hero of time still had a long list of people in Hyrule that wanted him. Some more desperate to get in his pants than others.

"What the hell is going on in here?!" Ike bellowed, screeching to a halt in the doorway

"Ike? But aren't you making out with Marth over there?"

"I've created another time paradox?" Snake asked himself.

"Maybe Ike was bi and split himself in two, dividing his sexuality." Fox suggested.

"But that would make the one over there straight." Captain Falcon pointed out causing a scowl from the real Ike.

Roy had decided enough was enough and stood up to be honest about the whole scenario. "Actually I have a confession to make."

"Don't do it! If everyone knows you may be kicked out again."

"I suppose it is better than to ruin one mans reputation for my own personal gain. I know you would be honest about this if our positions were reversed my dearest Prince. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not the real Ike, he stands over there. I am but an impostor, hoping to be re-united with Marth here."

"Then who-a are you?" Asked Wario.

"Isn't it obvious?"

The treasure hunter took a long stare at not-Ike "…Pit?"

"It's Roy you idiot!"

"Oh…"

"But that still doesn't explain how he was able to dress up as Ike without one of us noticing that there were two of them before now."

"Can the junior brawlers please leave the room?" Ike asked nicely, he didn't want to corrupt the young minds. "I scored with Samus."

"What?" Shouted Falco, his beak wide open in shock.

"You lucky bastard!"

"_Why are you telling us this? Some of us don't want to know physical details of the other member's sex lives." _Mewtwo tried to let his psychic voice be heard above the others.

"She didn't, did she?" Peach asked, having a good guess as to exactly what happened.

"I had him chained to a wall, whipped him for a good hour, molested him then he started to get into it." Samus admitted. There was no-shame in admitting it now, it stopped the rumour mill from running wild. If she didn't tell the truth there'd be rumours that she was kidnapping men and turning them into sex slaves.

"Did he cry?"

"Shut up!"

"_DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!" _Mewtwo's scream echoed in the minds of everyone. Even Master hand was woken up with a massive headache. The brawlers took this as a signal to move before he started tossing chairs around.

"So Ike, there are no hard feelings between us, because I… you know..." Roy trailed off.

"Ratted me out then assumed my identity?" Ike finished patting Roy on the shoulder reassuringly "No, its fine. It worked out for the best after all. Now I can prove I'm not gay, have a physical relationship with arguably the hottest female here and you got back together with your but buddy!"

"Do not call him that." Roy reprimanded.

"Sorry."

The mansion shook violently; the clear blue sky darkened and crackles of electricity sparked across the mansion. The brawlers took it upon themselves to not panic and find the source. Every room was scoured, the training centre, the arena generator, no where was left un-checked when they all arrived at the same room last, the portal chamber.

"Oops?" Whispered Roy, his plan to get Marth backfiring in a big way as all the regular members stared down at him.

--

**And Roy breaks the time-space continuum XD. Well how else beside the portals was he supposed to get there?**

**It's been fun, but this fic is done and dusted. However I may have a completely new story in the SSB category soon so just keep your eyes open.**

**A special thank you to all reviewers, people who have this on alert or have added this to their favourites.**


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